My Beautiful Belle

I love my beautiful Belle so much. More than anything in this world. I didn't think that this kind of love was possible and only existed in the movies. She's my soul mate. The one. I didn't believe in soul mates until I met her then all of a sudden it all made sense. She is perfect. I love her with all of my heart. I belong to her now. She is my everything, my person and my favourite. I love you Belle.

Friends

As I plan on moving to the US I have wondered about friends. I don't have any friends local to me. All of my friends are online. So I would love friends of my own once I get to the US. So today I thought why not hopefully find some online that I could hopefully hangout with when I get there. It would mean a lot to me to at least have a few friends. The first and only person I thought of in the state I plan to move to is on my Facebook friends list. So I messaged her saying that I'd planned to move to her state and I thought we could hang out when I got there but it turns out she's moving to a completely different state at the end of the summer which sucks arse but she then asked why I wanted to move and I told her that I'd met someone so special and I wanted to move to be close to her and she was so pleased for us. It made me so happy.

I'm hoping to continue to look online for friends in that state as online is the best way I can make friends. I've never been very good at making friends ever. So I want to use what I'm good at to find them.

Emotions

My emotions aren't like the average persons. Mine are more extreme. For example; where an average person would be sad, I'd be depressed. Or an average person would happy, I'd be euphoric, or if an average person would be annoyed I'd be angry. My emotions are more extreme and harder to deal with than most peoples. At best I'm awkward & difficult. Even when I'm happy I can be hard to deal with because I'm practically manic. It doesn't last long which sucks for me but difficult for everyone else. When I'm "happy" everyone thinks I'm too loud, too outgoing and hard to deal with. All I want to is act on my happy feelings. The problem is, for me, there's an exact opposite. Once I crash I'm miserable. I'm so depressed. It sounds contradictory but even when I'm high I can't help but be depressed. It's just less obvious on the outside. When I'm "high" I have all the energy in the world and I can do anything and everything. I've more confidence, I'm more productive. But I can get into trouble too. I've been arrested when "high" but at that point I didn't have a diagnosis and I no one noticed I was different. But anyway. My point is no matter what your view on the average persons emotions, think of it to them to extreme and you'll have me and people like me. The biggest difference between me and other Borderlines is that I'll keep my to myself unless they become too intense.

More Facts About Me

1) I like singing but I can't sing and never sing in front of people.

2) I love Lavender

3) I used to research my family history. I'm my families "record keeper".

4) I believe I'm a lot like my maternal Granddad even though I've never met him (he passed away before I was born)

5) I love animals. If I had it my way my house would be filled with animals.

6) I love the cold. I'm quite happy in minus temperatures.

7) I hate the heat. My body can't cope well with it.

8) I love woodland areas. I feel at home in them.

9) I'm a very curious and imaginative person

10) I can rationalise the chicken or the egg scenario.

About Me

I might as well be 100% about me. That's what this blog is for. I'm going to be more honest about myself then I have been in my life. Some of it will be a lot to take on and I admit that. But it's me. My personality is no different because of it.

Mentally I'm a woman but physically I'm a man. That's how it's going to stay. I don't fit in anywhere normally but because of this I don't fit in with men and I don't fit in with women. I've felt like this to some extent since I was 5 years old. I've never mentioned it because I've not thought much of it until recently. It was just how I was and normal to me but as I've come to realise nothing about me is "normal". So please don't expect normal from me. You'll never get it. I was born different. I'll always be different. It's just the more I know about myself the more tired I am of having to keep myself a secret because 99.9% of people don't care and the ones that do care are judging me negatively. So why should I care? Anyone that truly cares will stick around. As far as friends go that's no one. I have a best friend but we live more than a hundred miles from each other. So I'm left here alone and only one person seems to want me. It just scares me because she doesn't know to the extent the freak that I am. I'm ok with who I am. It's just a shame no one else is. Not yet at least.

Home & Hope.

One thing about me is that no matter where I've lived, it has never felt like home. Probably because I've moved around a lot. So I've never felt settled in any one particular place and thought "this is home". So I'm never settled. But lately begun to think, what if home isn't a place? What if home is a person? If that's true then I think I've found home in my Belle. I've never felt this strongly for someone in my life. She is all I think about. Being next to her is where I want to be. 

Everyday she tells me she loves me, and I believe her, for the first time I've met someone who I believe actually loves me and I love her too. I love her too. More than anything in this universe. How can that not be home?

This might sound like something small to a lot of people but the biggest thing she's given me isn't just her love. She's given me hope too. Hope is something I lost a long time ago. Now because I have that, I'm able to picture this entire future. Not just for me but for the both of us.

My First Memory

There is one detail that I point blank refuse to say about my first memory purely because I don't want it invalidated, told I was hallucinating or delusional or anything that might question what happened despite knowing that it did.

My first memory is from when I was about a year to 18 months old. So between April and October 1984 roughly. I'd learnt to crawl but I couldn't walk just yet. I remember crawling up the stairs in the first house I ever lived in. I crawled up pretty fast from what I remember and almost as soon as I got to the top of the stairs my Dad came out of the bathroom. I remember him opening and shutting the bathroom door and he looked at me and playfully said "what are you doing up here then?" My response was to just look up at him. He came over and he picked me up and he instantly smelt something (can you guess where this is going yet?) And he realised I needed my nappy changing. So on the landing in between the bedrooms and the top of the stairs he changed my nappy. I was generally quiet about it then I looked to my right and on the skirting board at the bottom of the wall there was a Spider and despite seeing Spiders before and being ok with them I completely freaked out at this one even though it was no different to all the other Spiders I'd seen and my Dad reacted by saying "it's ok it's just a Spider" but I didn't calm down so he grabbed one of the slippers he was wearing and killed the Spiders (I refuse to kill Spiders now but not because of this) and I instantly calmed down. Then my Dad continued changing my nappy and I looked to my left, looking outside a Window that was at the top of the stairs and I saw blue sky [enter moment that I refuse to tell anyone about].