Emotions

My emotions aren't like the average persons. Mine are more extreme. For example; where an average person would be sad, I'd be depressed. Or an average person would happy, I'd be euphoric, or if an average person would be annoyed I'd be angry. My emotions are more extreme and harder to deal with than most peoples. At best I'm awkward & difficult. Even when I'm happy I can be hard to deal with because I'm practically manic. It doesn't last long which sucks for me but difficult for everyone else. When I'm "happy" everyone thinks I'm too loud, too outgoing and hard to deal with. All I want to is act on my happy feelings. The problem is, for me, there's an exact opposite. Once I crash I'm miserable. I'm so depressed. It sounds contradictory but even when I'm high I can't help but be depressed. It's just less obvious on the outside. When I'm "high" I have all the energy in the world and I can do anything and everything. I've more confidence, I'm more productive. But I can get into trouble too. I've been arrested when "high" but at that point I didn't have a diagnosis and I no one noticed I was different. But anyway. My point is no matter what your view on the average persons emotions, think of it to them to extreme and you'll have me and people like me. The biggest difference between me and other Borderlines is that I'll keep my to myself unless they become too intense.

More Facts About Me

1) I like singing but I can't sing and never sing in front of people.

2) I love Lavender

3) I used to research my family history. I'm my families "record keeper".

4) I believe I'm a lot like my maternal Granddad even though I've never met him (he passed away before I was born)

5) I love animals. If I had it my way my house would be filled with animals.

6) I love the cold. I'm quite happy in minus temperatures.

7) I hate the heat. My body can't cope well with it.

8) I love woodland areas. I feel at home in them.

9) I'm a very curious and imaginative person

10) I can rationalise the chicken or the egg scenario.

About Me

I might as well be 100% about me. That's what this blog is for. I'm going to be more honest about myself then I have been in my life. Some of it will be a lot to take on and I admit that. But it's me. My personality is no different because of it.

Mentally I'm a woman but physically I'm a man. That's how it's going to stay. I don't fit in anywhere normally but because of this I don't fit in with men and I don't fit in with women. I've felt like this to some extent since I was 5 years old. I've never mentioned it because I've not thought much of it until recently. It was just how I was and normal to me but as I've come to realise nothing about me is "normal". So please don't expect normal from me. You'll never get it. I was born different. I'll always be different. It's just the more I know about myself the more tired I am of having to keep myself a secret because 99.9% of people don't care and the ones that do care are judging me negatively. So why should I care? Anyone that truly cares will stick around. As far as friends go that's no one. I have a best friend but we live more than a hundred miles from each other. So I'm left here alone and only one person seems to want me. It just scares me because she doesn't know to the extent the freak that I am. I'm ok with who I am. It's just a shame no one else is. Not yet at least.

Home & Hope.

One thing about me is that no matter where I've lived, it has never felt like home. Probably because I've moved around a lot. So I've never felt settled in any one particular place and thought "this is home". So I'm never settled. But lately begun to think, what if home isn't a place? What if home is a person? If that's true then I think I've found home in my Belle. I've never felt this strongly for someone in my life. She is all I think about. Being next to her is where I want to be. 

Everyday she tells me she loves me, and I believe her, for the first time I've met someone who I believe actually loves me and I love her too. I love her too. More than anything in this universe. How can that not be home?

This might sound like something small to a lot of people but the biggest thing she's given me isn't just her love. She's given me hope too. Hope is something I lost a long time ago. Now because I have that, I'm able to picture this entire future. Not just for me but for the both of us.

My First Memory

There is one detail that I point blank refuse to say about my first memory purely because I don't want it invalidated, told I was hallucinating or delusional or anything that might question what happened despite knowing that it did.

My first memory is from when I was about a year to 18 months old. So between April and October 1984 roughly. I'd learnt to crawl but I couldn't walk just yet. I remember crawling up the stairs in the first house I ever lived in. I crawled up pretty fast from what I remember and almost as soon as I got to the top of the stairs my Dad came out of the bathroom. I remember him opening and shutting the bathroom door and he looked at me and playfully said "what are you doing up here then?" My response was to just look up at him. He came over and he picked me up and he instantly smelt something (can you guess where this is going yet?) And he realised I needed my nappy changing. So on the landing in between the bedrooms and the top of the stairs he changed my nappy. I was generally quiet about it then I looked to my right and on the skirting board at the bottom of the wall there was a Spider and despite seeing Spiders before and being ok with them I completely freaked out at this one even though it was no different to all the other Spiders I'd seen and my Dad reacted by saying "it's ok it's just a Spider" but I didn't calm down so he grabbed one of the slippers he was wearing and killed the Spiders (I refuse to kill Spiders now but not because of this) and I instantly calmed down. Then my Dad continued changing my nappy and I looked to my left, looking outside a Window that was at the top of the stairs and I saw blue sky [enter moment that I refuse to tell anyone about].

Random Facts About Me

1) I love Supernatural

2) I'm Vegetarian

3) I'm Pansexual

4) I won't go in a swimming pool after an incident when I was 16

5) I love reading

6) I have three natural hair colours. Brown, ginger and blonde

7) I love Photography

8) Evanescence are my favourite band

9) Lee Evans is my favourite comedian

10) I have an Alf stuffed toy that I've had since I was 4

Today

Since about 13:00 this afternoon I've spent a lot of time alone in the house. Not too much really but a fair amount which I'm not complaining about. Purely because when I bad in a lot of ways I automatically withdraw and want to be alone. I end isolating myself. The only person I've wanted with me is my Belle.

It's like I get this overwhelming need to be alone. I think it's purely because I've become so used to coping with everything on my own that I find it easier to manage how I'm feeling if I'm on my own. If I'm around people I can feel so suffocated because I have to try and fit around them. Well that's been my experience anyway.

People rarely understand how and why I get how I do and in their efforts to help they in fact don't help but make it worse. It's why I'm trying so hard to connect with people like me not to seek help from them but to know I'm not alone although fellow Borderlines I'm finding quite challenging. We're not all the same and I totally understand why but they keep me at distance and push me away a lot when I'm desperately searching for a close friendship. I think although we understand each other we're different people and not on the same wavelength.

Psych Appointment

Today I woke up at 07:45 with a desperate urge to cry and I don't know why. I just knew I felt awful and fragile. My Psych appointment was at 10:40 and I stayed feeling like this until then. I could barely talk. If I did talk it was one word answers. I didn't think I'd be able to say anything in the appointment. Someone came with me to the appointment and I really didn't want them to. This person just talks over me like I'm not their in appointments. Just before my appointment this person decided it'd be a good idea to have a go at me for not talking which only made me feel worse. But still I couldn't talk. Once we were settled in the waiting room without meaning to I caught a message she was sending saying "he's regressed back to a teenager again" so I was left feeling feeling even worse. I didn't realise feeling as bad as I did made me "a teenager". We went into the appointment a short time after that and this person only ended up staying in their for about 2 minutes and in that time she went on a tangent about how I've been this, that and the other then she left the room. The moment she did I burst into tears. My Psych sat there patiently with a look of pity on her face. I don't want or need peoples pity. I have no problem with crying but I hate crying in front of people. I just feel so pathetic and vulnerable. But there I was crying uncontrollably in front of my Psych for about 5 minutes. Once I'd calmed I was able to start talking again and I started explaining everything and answering my Psychs questions. She is such a lovely Dr normally and the best one I've ever had (and I've had a lot) but every time I told her something about what's been happening, what I was thinking and feeling she just sat there each time saying it's a part of my illness. It felt so invalidating. Like I everything I think and feel is only because I'm this Borderline Schizo. She said she didn't want to adjust my meds this time but she's given me an appointment for 2 & a half weeks time. Making me think that if I haven't improved then it might be considered adjusting them. I came out of the appointment feeling hurt yet numb. I stayed feeling like the this until the person I went left the house at about 13:00. At which point I plugged myself into some music that was as long as possible and just started singing. Which made me feel better. Throughout the entire thing all I could think about was "I want my Belle" with her arms wrapped around me. I still do. But I'm not too bad now.

Appointment

I have a Psych appointment this morning. I'll blog about how it goes. If I'm honest I just want my Belle with me.

Twitter

I'm going to start this with something happy.

I'm on Twitter. I joined because I wanted to connect with people like me. Around the 30th January someone started messaging me and it made me happy because I was thinking I'd made a friend and I'm not very good at making friends. Time went on and we became closer and closer. After a short while I knew I loved her. I desperately wanted to say it but the fear of it being too soon made me think to wait at least a little while. Then on the 15th February we were talking and she said "I love you". I was so happy and I told her that I loved her too. A part of me still can't believe that someone so amazing and perfect loves me but she does. I want to with her forever. I can't imagine my life without her now and I don't want to. She's become my life, my love, my everything and I want to spend every day of my life making her happy.

First Post

Hello

I'm me. As you may gather from the title of this blog I'm a guy with Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizotypal Personality Disorder. I have Depression too but I couldn't think of a good way to put that in the title so I lumped it and settled with what I have.

Anyway I'll be blogging as often as I can but I'll try to avoid blogging during meltdowns as they just come out as a complete mess. But I'll try and blog afterwards.